4 Secrets for How to Help Siblings Get Along

You’re pulling into your driveway, ready to yell at everyone because the kids have been bickering in the backseat the whole drive home, again. Or perhaps two of your kids are gold medalists in pushing each other’s buttons and you’re sure it’s a bad case of sibling rivalry. Whatever the specific details, when it comes to wondering how to help siblings stop fighting, you’re not alone. I’ve been there too. As a mom of five, it’s interesting to see the different dynamics between personalities and life circumstances that sometimes lead to way too much sibling arguing. At times, I’ve been so frustrated and fed up with how my kids treat each other. But along the way, I’ve learned some valuable principles about how to help siblings be friends that have made a world of difference for us and other families. So today, I’m sharing four secrets for how to help siblings get along better.

Key Takeaways

Here’s what you’re going to find out in this post:

Secret #1: Our parental MINDSET MATTERS when it comes to sibling relationships.

Adopt a mindset that sees sibling conflict as an opportunity to practice important relationship skills, not as a sign of your failure or your kids’ never-ending problems.

Secret #2: Sibling conflict has less to do with how siblings are being treated by each other and more to do with how siblings are feeling about themselves.

Learn to recognize and help resolve your children’s internal struggles. Parent-child one-on-one time is one helpful way to do this.

Secret #3: Our kids need us to be a coach in their disagreements, not a judge and jury.

Instead of stepping in to solve the problem, focus on teaching your kids the skills they need to solve it on their own.

Secret #4: When we focus on creating a family culture around positive interactions, the negative effects of normal sibling squabbles fade over time.

Praise the positive interactions between siblings (they’re always there) and create fun family experiences.

Now, let’s dive deeper so you more fully understand these secrets and how to use them in your home to help siblings get along better.

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If Your Kids Are Arguing, You’re not Alone

According to some research, about one third of adults say they still have a rivalrous relationship with their sibling. Another poll found 51 percent of adults still have a competitive relationship with their brothers and sisters.

That’s a lot of adults that are missing out on one of life’s closest, most fun relationships. A lot.

I’ve heard from so many parents that they’re also exhausted from their kids fighting. From toddlers to teens and all around the world, there’s sibling conflict.

We can go as far back as stories about Cain and Abel to see that many sibling relationships go through a rocky stage.

Do those arguments in the backseat of the minivan and bickering over EVERYTHING mean our kids are doomed to join the one third? Doomed to have a contentious relationship forever?

​Gratefully, no.

Sibling Friendship is Possible.

Siblings can stop fighting, they can get along, and they can genuinely be friends. I’ve seen it in my own family, in other families, and in the research.

So, whatever the age and stage of your children, now is an ideal time to focus on building sibling bonds.

But how do we help our kids grow up to have a close relationship with their siblings? How do we help sibling rivalry? How do we get siblings to stop fighting and start enjoying each other more right now?​
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Here are four big tips for how to help siblings get along better with each other.

Sibling Secret #1 to Help Siblings Get Along

👉 Our parental MINDSET MATTERS when it comes to sibling relationships.

Parental Mindset about Sibling Fighting

Think about a time when your kids were arguing and you intervened. How did you feel? How did the intervention go?

When we come into contentious moments fired up and angry, it’s going to go much differently than if we come in calm, cool, and collected. Calm is preferrable. 😉

And a powerful way to come in cool is to shift what we believe about sibling fighting.

Personally, when my kids argue, it’s hard for me. I feel like I’ve tried to teach them their entire lives to be kind and that’s what matters most. I know close relationships lead to greater happiness, and it’s sad when they fight. And honestly, I have a tendency to take it personally, like “I’ve taught you better!”

But, I’ve also learned these three important things about sibling fights…

• When my kids argue it’s not a personal insult to me.
• 95% of the time fighting is because one kid is having a hard time; they’re not trying to be awful. The other 5% seems to be yes, poking and bugging just to get a rise, but even that usually has underlying reasons. (These percentages aren’t scientific; they’re generalizations to help us understand the truth.)
• Getting along requires a pretty big skill set.

So, the mindset shift that really helps is this…

…instead of believing sibling arguments are the end of family unity, believe that sibling arguments are an incredible opportunity to practice important relationship skills in a safe environment.

The Opportunity in Sibling Conflict

Yeah, when our kids fight it’s hard and we wish it didn’t happen. But it’s also a chance to work out the tendencies, underlying difficulties, and skills our kids will need without the negative consequences of getting fired for blowing up or going through multiple difficult divorces.

It’s also a chance for us to hone our own patience and teaching and come to understand our kids in deeper ways.

This mindset shift is a great place to start to help build strong sibling bonds.

Sibling Secret #2 to Help Siblings Get Along

👉 Sibling conflict has less to do with how siblings are being treated by each other and more to do with how siblings are feeling about themselves.

(Although don’t try to explain this to a kid in the heat of an argument because they’ll be adamant…”It really is the most annoying singing in the world, Mom!” 😉)

Why Siblings Fight

The influences on sibling relationships are complex and far-reaching. From genetics to temperament to family dynamics and more, there’s no one simple answer to help siblings be friends. However, understanding the internal struggles that often lead to sibling fights can be truly powerful for us as parents.

Here are three common examples of internal struggles that may lead to sibling conflict. Maybe you’ll recognize similarities in your home.

Internal Struggle #1 that Can Lead to Sibling Conflict

An older sibling (who’s used to mom and dad’s undivided attention) swiftly has that attention interrupted by a new sibling. Suddenly, the older child wonders where they stand in mom and dad’s eyes. There may be jealousy or animosity toward the younger sibling. Cries of “That’s not fair” or “You think they’re perfect” are common. It’s not really the fact that the new baby is crying that’s a problem; instead, the underlying problem is the older sibling questioning their own worth or safety in the family circle.

This is classic sibling rivalry and revolves around questioning one’s self-worth. It can come up at any age.

Related: Our Child Had Low Confidence…Here’s What Helped [12 Simple Ways to Boost Confidence and Develop Lasting Self-Worth]

Internal Struggle #2 that Can Lead to Sibling Conflict

A teen (whose developmental tasks include a reshaping of identity) is constantly arguing with their sibling about who’s right, whose turn it is with the car, and who really owns that shirt. The problem isn’t really that the siblings disagree; instead, the underlying problem is that the teen is trying to figure out and assert who they are.

Differentiation or finding “one’s unique place in a world of similar others” is an important developmental task and is often hashed out through conflict.

Internal Struggle #3 that Can Lead to Sibling Conflict

On family vacation, the ten-year-old seems to flip out about everything everyone does. The problem isn’t really that the kid doesn’t like the siblings; instead, the underlying problem is that the kid is exhausted.

When our kids are stressed or tired or overly hungry, they can be more emotionally volatile and more likely to argue.

Solve Kids’ Internal Struggles to Help Siblings Stop Fighting

When we help find and soothe our kids’ internal struggles, we make it one thousand percent easier for them to get along with their siblings.

✨ One powerful way to do this is to make one-on-one time part of your routine. ✨

Many times, kids equate parental attention with parental affection. And in the psychological world of worth and survival, parental affection matters.

Research by Judy Dunn found that even young kids are highly affected by a mother’s interaction with other siblings.

Your attention is the limited commodity in your family.

When we give our kids individualized attention, it…

…soothes our kids’ need for parental attention (ie affection) and builds feelings of self-worth

…helps us understand our kids on a deeper level and see other internal struggles they might be facing.

So, my invitation is to spend a few simple minutes connecting one-on-one with each child. These connections go a long way in calming sibling fighting.

Related: My Parents Rocked One-On-One Time, and I Want to Do the Same

Sibling Secret #3 to Help Siblings Get Along

👉 Our kids need us to be a coach in their disagreements, not a judge and jury.

The Problems with Parents Being Judge and Jury in Sibling Fights

Sometimes it’s easier to step in and solve our kids’ fighting for them, to tell them what to do and say and what the punishment will be. However, this misses opportunities, sometimes doesn’t even work, and can cause problems in the long run.

Emotional Disconnection

Have you ever known exactly how to solve one of your kids’ arguments, but they don’t listen? They refuse to hear logic and remain upset far longer than seems necessary?

Unfortunately, this is totally normal.

Stepping in with punishment or the logical answer is often emotionally disconnecting and not the best option because then our kids don’t feel heard, they don’t listen, and they don’t learn.

Related: Are Big Emotions Getting in the Way of You Being the Mom You Most Want to Be?

Disrupts Learning of Relationship Skills

Getting along actually requires a big skill set; many adults still don’t have it figured out. (Ever watched pop culture news? There are plenty of examples of adults who don’t know how to get along with other people.😬)

When we step in to solve, we just prove we know how to solve problems. Instead, we want to teach our kids how to solve their own problems. Rather than just solving the immediate problem with the kids bickering, we need to help them develop long term relationship skills.

Harms Relationships

Additionally, when you become judge and jury, it’s far too easy for your kids to believe you’re taking sides. And if one of your kids feels wronged, it typically fuels their internal struggles, including the way they feel about you and their sibling. Plus, if they detect a pattern of you always taking their sibling’s side (whether or not it’s reality), this dynamic can deeply harm the parent-child relationship too.

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So, when sibling fighting happens, we need to worry less about solving the problem and more about teaching our kids the skills they need to solve it on their own.

Teach Important Relationship Skills

Here are some of the important relationship skills we can teach our kids:

• The importance of choice and focusing on our own actions
• Appreciating differences without jealousy
• Sharing our own boundaries and respecting other people’s boundaries
• Emotional regulation
• Communicating during disagreements
• Empathy
• And more

These are some of the skills I introduce to your kids in Operation: Sibs ➡ 11 Sibling Missions to Learn Relationship Skills and Build the Bond, Sibling Bond…and it’s available right now.

If you want to know how to help siblings bond, this is a shortcut.

As a mom of five, parenting coach, and author of Peace amidst the Mayhem, I’ve learned a lot about what it really takes to help kids get along. And I know that sometimes kids need to hear about these skills from someone besides Mom and Dad.

​So, in Operation: Sibs, I’ve created a fun way for me to teach your kids ages 5-12 important relationship skills while they build memories and their sibling bond.

But as parents, you’ll also want to reinforce these skills.

How to Teach Relationship Skills

As parents, we can teach relationship skills in two important ways.

First, we have discussions as part of our family routine. We can have formal family meetings and learn together or incorporate meaningful conversations into driving time, reading together, and other daily occurrences.

Second, during disagreements, we coach our kids into the skills we’ve taught them before. We encourage them to talk and listen to each other (instead of listening to us solve the problem).

Sometimes it’s harder and longer to let kids solve their problems, but the more they do, the better they get.

If you have no idea where to start with this long list of relationship skills, I’d suggest starting with the first. Begin a conversation with your kids about what kind of relationship they want to have with their siblings because in the end, it comes down to their choices, not ours.

Do they want to have more fun and less fighting?

When they choose yes, it becomes a team effort allowing you and your kids to be on the same page, instead of mom reciting lecture #437 again. (It’s exhausting, isn’t it.)

Sibling Secret #4 to Help Siblings Get Along

👉 When we focus on creating a family culture around positive interactions, the negative effects of normal sibling squabbles fade over time.

Friday night movie night. Road trips to visit grandparents. Epic games of Sorry and Uno. Stretching the legs, high-fiving, and surveying with satisfaction a freshly weeded yard.

These simple, shared experiences are golden.

Dr. Laura Markham, clinical psychologist and author of Peaceful Parents, Happy Siblings, has said,

“The research is really clear…when siblings have more positive interactions, they have closer relationships for the rest of their lives. That’s what they remember. It’s normal for kids to fight. The more chances they have to have a positive interaction, the more they will carry that into the future. They build on it.”

Create More Positive Experiences to Build Sibling Bonds

It’s so easy for us to give our time and energy to the fighting…worrying and lecturing about how to fix it.

But what we water grows. 🌱

The more attention we give to the positive things that are already happening and the more intentionally we create positive experiences for bonding, the better the sibling relationships will be.

I love the mantra my parents fostered in our family to create positive experiences:

Work hard, play hard.

So, work together. Have fun together. Laugh together.

When we laugh, we release neurochemicals that strengthen social bonds. Our brain says, “I like being with this person.” (Just thinking…it might be that exact neurochemistry that originally attracted me to my husband. 😉)

Build positive family traditions and routines so your kids grow to count on these experiences…even very simple ones.

When Trying for Positive Experiences Is Not Working

I can hear it now though…”We’re already trying to do this. All I want is to have fun as a family, but it doesn’t happen for all the arguing. It’s so frustrating.”

My answer is to know your efforts matter.

We might not see the results immediately, but they do add up over time.

Hang in there.

If things are so strained right now that attempts at family fun are foiled, sometimes a movie night is a safe idea for starters…it requires minimal interaction but is still a shared experience. It’ll also give you quotes to laugh about together or mention over dinner.

Review: The 4 Secrets to Help Siblings Get Along

So, to review, here are the four secrets to help siblings stop fighting and be better friends.

1.) Our parental MINDSET MATTERS when it comes to sibling relationships.

Adopt a mindset that sees sibling conflict as an opportunity to practice important relationship skills, not as a sign of your failure or your kids’ never-ending problems.

2.) Sibling conflict has less to do with how siblings are being treated by each other and more to do with how siblings are feeling about themselves.

Learn to recognize and help resolve your children’s internal struggles. Parent-child one-on-one time is one helpful way to do this.

3.) Our kids need us to be a coach in their disagreements, not a judge and jury.

Instead of stepping in to solve the problem, focus on teaching your kids the skills they need to solve it on their own.

4.) When we focus on creating a family culture around positive interactions, the negative effects of normal sibling squabbles fade over time.

Praise the positive interactions between siblings (they’re always there) and create fun family experiences.

You CAN Help Your Kids Become Better Friends

None of us are going to get this “right” all the time.

We might see a sibling squabble with anger and frustration.

Some internal struggles are really difficult to pinpoint.

We may step in as judge and jury. (And sometimes we need to because we live in the real world where time, place, and energy play a role. We may have to get out the door right now. Or we might recognize that the middle of church services when kids start bickering isn’t the ideal place to hash out deep-rooted sibling rivalry. Or we’re only human, and some days leave us too drained.)

Somedays we might nag and find ourselves focusing on the negative.

And all of that’s okay.

You do NOT have to be perfect to help siblings be friends.

Just stick with it.

Keep putting these four Sibling Secrets into action. Hold onto patience as kids work through different stages. Reach out if you have specific questions or struggles.

I know you already do so much of what we’ve talked about here.

So, if nothing else, I hope this is a reminder that you’re doing a great job. Kids fighting doesn’t mean you’re a failure. It means they’re human and learning. Just like us.

Which secret about how to help siblings get along feels most helpful to you? What other questions do you have about how to help siblings be friends or how to help sibling rivalry? What tips can you share with other parents about how to help siblings bond? Join the conversation in the comments.

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